"Sucky sucky with Mrs Santa?"

Flying to Bangkok via Muscat after daytime drinking and trying to figure out new electronics was something of a challenge. There were a few hiccups along the way (mainly legging it through the airport, high heels in hand and sitting next to drunken idiots on the plane) but the overriding problem was the plague I had caught; some horrible virus that lasted the duration of the trip. Of course I self-medicated with red bull, spicy food, local beer and twice the recommended daily dose of anything I could get my hands on. Needless to say I look like shit in all the photos with a pale face and eyes like piss-holes in the snow.

Spending Christmas night at Patpong Market where prostitutes were dressed like sexy Santas was a little surreal. Not as bad as seeing said Santas proposition my dad and little brother though. And then being questioned by the parents on the various shows and what they involve. Yikes.

Versace's flagship store in Bangkok

I won't bore you with the tourist details but a good time was had by all, the weather was great (I think the sun was shining but couldn't really see through the smog) and the food was amazing - although I don't think I'll be eating noodles anytime soon.

Me looking ill and dad looking bored at the Grand Palace - but it was very impressive!

Highlights included:
* Mum calling tuk-tuks the increasingly annoying name of put-puts. It was funny the FIRST time ok?
* Saying everything in a Thai accent which made the most innocent of phrases sound downright dirty. And Mike exclaiming "Ah SO!" a little too often.
* Seriously not understanding the attraction to 90% of Thai women. I know there are exceptions but really - is it the submissive thing? or maybe the bodies like that of an 8 year old boy? Answers on a postcard please
* Watertaxis were great. The indignity of getting in and out was not so fun.
* Trying to find a suitable tramp in order to lick his feet and get dystentry therefore losing 2 stone in a week. Didn't find one that fitted the bill (I was going for someone who had no pets and didn't look like they had Hep C to throw into the disease package).
* The stray dogs in t-shirts everywhere. I don't care what PETA say - animals dressed in human clothes are funny.
* Not being able to tell the dfference between boys and girls. Not in a ladyboy sense - no problems there (gold sequinned dresses tend to give the game away lads. No woman dresses like that unless she's in a Tina Turner lookalike competition) but I'm talking about the hoardes of androgynous club kids with stupid hair that walk around holding hands. Designed to make me feel old I think.
* Getting an amazing traditional massage at a training school at the back of a temple in a room filled with beds. The mood was somewhat ruined when I heard my dad giggling a few metres away.
* Buying some serious fakes to further fund the Thai mafia no doubt - Mulberry bag, Tod's purse and Oakley shades. I managed to resist the McShit t-shirts although it was a decision I may live to regret - would have made a lasting impression on my first day in the new job...
* The realisation that it is definitely time to move out of the parents' apartment. Family overload. Just for the record in case they're reading this - I don't care about construction of sewerage works. And if you have something to say - jsut say it instead of clearing your throat ok? And thanks for a lovely holiday xx

The obligatory tourist photos folks

Well, we're back home and I'm still in the post-Christmas mood which means wearing new pajamas while watching new DVDs and eating old shortbread. We have the whole series of Planet Earth to enjoy so I'm off.

h